Lovers of God, followers of truth, and newly weds in the word of Christ, I am so glad to be able to introduce myself to Truth and Love Ministries. My name is Jaylin Santos, and I would describe myself as a seeker. I seek the word of God above all and I plan to spend the rest of my life giving everything to Him- I hope that my message brings this truth out of me, and out of you; the reader. Thank you.
A message from Jaylin Santos
Life has not been easy for me, as I would expect it to not be easy for anyone. Mental health, family issues, breakups, and an overall broken person are who I had become throughout the years. I had been holding my breath for a very long time. For the first time in forever, I turned to God with my heart in pieces and my sorrow and monochromatic depression on my shoulders. In that, I found a God who makes all things new, but I didn’t turn to God because of the goodness He brought in my life but rather the bad. I turned to God because he brought “evil in my life.” However, what does that mean?
In the start of 2019, my brother had fallen into a similar cycle that I had also been through. He developed thoughts that I had learned to overcome: the thoughts of, “No one understands,” “No one knows,” “No one listens,” No one cares,” “No one wants me,” “No one needs me,” “No one loves me,” and “I’m alone.”
You see, depression as blue as the sea used to wash its monochromatic waves over me, but with God and His word I considered it overcome, until it washed over my brother. I felt that I could handle the worst and be stabbed, kicked, and broken.
Nevertheless, watching other people hurt, especially those I love — That’s a whole other level of pain for me. God gave me the gift of empathy and love, but it comes with its price. I feel too much for the people around me. So when my brother went away to get help for his pain, I was mixed with emotions. To know he hurt so much that he had to leave, broke me, but to know he was getting help encouraged me.
It wasn’t until he came back that I realized how much harder that this situation would be on me. He died — not literally, but the part of him that loved me, that shared memories and good moments with me — died. It was like I was a ghost to him. He cut off our ties with scissors and left them there to rot. I know he was hurting, and I know he was broken so I did what I could: I wrote him a hundred letters and I left them on his wall, in his drawers, and the pockets of his jeans.
I told him that he was enough, that he was worth it,that he was important, that he was loved, and that he was okay.
I wrote him a hundred letters even though it hurt. I told him that I cared, that I knew, that I understood, and that I loved him.
Even though it hurt, was the hardest thing that I’ve ever had to do, and broke me completely, I wrote them, and that moment alone was when I realized how much I needed God.
Honestly, I was mad at first. I was mad at God, but when someone else that I cared for left my life, I realized that God was using these evil and cruel things for good. For the first time in five years I felt like I could truly breathe. A God who thrives off my pain isn’t who He is. He is a God that works all things together for my good — for your good.
My 2019 might not have started off the best, and for all I know, it might not end the best, but he has been so, so good to me because when I look up from the pain of my brother and others who have left, I see a community of lovers of God. I am so grateful for the people that God has blessed me with. They have helped me overcome every problem that has faced me and now they help me breathe in the word of God.
1 Peter 1:7 says: “These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed."
When gold is to be purified, it is not washed with water and soap. It is not cleaned with a sponge. It is not washed off. It is burned. It is burned in flames engulfing it entirely. We are gold. We are burned. When God purifies us, it hurts; God might not move in such a precious way, and that is something that a lot of people have a hard time accepting.
My brother, my ex-friends, my ex-lovers — they are the fire. God uses them to burn off my flesh and sin. Through them, God purifies me, and yes, it hurts. It hurts so badly, but now I can breathe. I now understand how my broken heart is a part of His plan, and I can see all the things that I missed — all the red flags and warning signs that I jumped head first into. I have grown so much in God because of the pain.
So let your pain and agony reside in God. Give Him your hurt and watch him transform you. Half the time, anxiety might leave you overwhelmed, and depression might play its game with you. You might not know who you will be just yet. Mental health, family issues, and break ups — the cycle never ends, not even for me. Sometimes you may just need a small victory, and the story of your life might seem contradictory. No one ever fully understands. It’s okay, just do what you can; because you may never get it. You probably won’t, and sometimes you just can’t comprehend it. God thinks about all the things you could never even imagine to think about. Live in him and he will show you which way to go: the right route.
Even if you hurt the people you love, fall short of becoming the person you want to be, fail yourself or others, or are told you’re not enough or too much, God tells you that you are His.
Sometimes you may not be able to feel a thing. So let Him remind you that you can feel.
Sometimes it hurts so much that you will get swallowed in the waves. So let Him be the oxygen in your lungs.
Sometimes you may be overwhelmed by the sin of the world. So let Him show you that He is good; even if it doesn’t feel good.
He is God. You are not. Embrace the flames as they come and know that He will take care of it. You are not broken if you are hurting; you are just on your path of faith.
Pain means growth, and growth means pain.
God bless you.
For in our weakness, He is strong,
Jaylin Santos
