You have probably heard it over and over again: “By forgiving them, you set yourself free.” I used to nod along, thinking I knew what they were talking about. Oh yes, I will forgive my younger siblings when they wreck my room or annoy me. I won’t harbor it against a friend when we get into a small argument. If it sets me free, then how hard could it be?
Turns out, true forgiveness in a messy situation is pretty hard.
As it does in other aspects of life, our pain can blind us. The hurt someone caused you can do that exact same thing. Sure, we can forgive the small incidents, but what about when a ‘small’ argument blows up in your face? Or when your trust in someone was built on lies and it falls apart? Or maybe when people you thought cared about you royally screwed up and didn’t feel the need to apologize? Those are just a few examples; humans screw up… a lot. When we are confronted with a huge conflict, and any amount of blame ends up on someone else, all we can seem to focus on is the pain they caused us. Whether it was intentional or not, it is still present and doesn’t just slide off our shoulders. It sticks to us way too easily; like the adhesive on a band-aid.
I used to think that forgiveness was no big deal. God has mercy on us, so of course we should be willing to do the same for each other. After all, we are all going to fail at one point or another. Right? Sometimes the offense can block our vision, and we forget that whoever hurt us is a broken, sinful human just like we are. The last handful of months I’ve really been struggling to forgive some people, and I realized something that changed my view on forgiveness. I prayed that God would help me find some way to forgive them…, but most importantly, that they would feel bad and realize how much hurt they caused me. Then I realized that just as I’m God’s child, the people who hurt me are His children too. It was like I was angrily complaining to God about His own child. Just because someone hurt me doesn’t mean God doesn’t love him anymore-- in fact, if He can forgive him as their Father, can’t I forgive him as their sister?
Back to the band-aid analogy, we just have to rip it off. Peeling it off little by little only prolongs the process. Just simply say you forgive whoever offended you. Say it out loud, even if you don’t 100% believe it. When you rip off a band-aid, it still stings a little afterwards, but it’s better than painfully drawing out the process. When the wound that the person/people caused you is exposed, you can begin to let God heal it.
Now I know that with time and God by my side, my wounds will heal, yet there is still a sadness I feel over the broken relationships and bridges burned. Something I have learned recently is that forgiving an offense is not necessarily the same as reconciliation with the person who caused you pain. Reconciling with them is the most ideal outcome, but depending on the situation and the other person’s/people’s attitude, that honestly may not be the best option. The best advice I can give you is to let God walk you through it, and really try to listen to Him. If you feel Him nudge you to reach out to that person, then do so! However, if you don’t see that green light from God to reconnect with the person/party of people, then it’s best if you just wait, and rely on God for direction.
I wrote this mainly about forgiving in the midst of huge, messy conflicts. Although, I would like to conclude with this: No offense is either too big or too small for God. Whether a certain friendship/relationship/etc. is going down in flames because of a huge conflict, or your little sister spilled nail polish all over your carpet, let God lead you in forgiveness. Take a deep breath, lean onto God, and rip off that band-aid!
Taking it one day at a time,
Janelle